Thursday, September 01, 2005

Season #4: Sour Grapes (Full List)

The full list of abuses, recuses, and excuses.


WEEK 9: Clay
Why I shouldn't be fired:
  • Proven winner.

  • Can recite excerpts from Machiavelli’s “The Prince.”

  • Dripping with creativity.

  • “Vengeance must be mine! Mua-ha-ha!”

  • Didn’t mean to be an ass, so none of it counts.

  • Why I claim I was fired:
  • Proven winner = threat.

  • Alla set me up.

  • People can’t take a joke.

  • Shouldn’t have been.

  • True reason I was fired:
  • Proven whiner.

  • Bitch-queen of denial.

  • People can’t take personal insults and aggressive paranoia.

  • Head up ass leaves no room for others.

  • He who lives by the sword...


  • WEEK 8: Brian
    Why I shouldn't be fired:
  • Feisty little bugger.

  • No Ewok.

  • "Rubble Man" can dance.

  • Star What?

  • Why I claim I was fired:
  • Lost the Force

  • Taxi hyperdrive failed.

  • Missed secret Jedi conference.

  • True reason I was fired:
  • Lost the Force

  • Taxi never had a hyperdrive.

  • Missed secret Jedi conference.

  • Randall no Yoda.

  • "Where / in the world / is Darth Va-der-i-a-go?"


  • WEEK 8: Marshawn
    Why I shouldn't be fired:
  • Level-headed as Ben Kenobi.

  • Best presenter in the galaxy.

  • Strong in the Force.

  • Favored by the Emperor.

  • Why I claim I was fired:
  • Concept was no "Death Star."

  • Randall no Yoda.

  • Emperor's "Force Lightning" hard to aim.

  • "Boba" Rancic gunning for me.

  • True reason I was fired:
  • Disillusioned with the Rebellion.

  • Permitted Rebecca to fly the ship.

  • Sith Lords are fickle.

  • I'm no Yoda either.


  • WEEK 7: Markus
    Why I shouldn't be fired:
  • Never at loss for words.

  • Topic selection: “Sex” = Boring, “Incomprehensible Babble” = Fascinating

  • Only has Blockbuster Ideas.

  • Not the fly in Adam's ointment.

  • Clay’s head jammed up his "you-know-what" during the whole presentation.

  • Why I claim I was fired:
  • Markus-alized = Marginalized

  • "I’ve been riding on the railroad... all the live-long shoooow!”

  • Last victim of the dwindling Blonde Coven.

  • No real clue.

  • True reason I was fired:
  • 15 minutes of fame winding down for Mr. TalkTooMuch.

  • Trump Tower not a wacky R&D lab.

  • Less coherent than Dubya before a live studio audience.

  • Josh and Chris (and a bunch of Chris’ football buddies) waiting too long already for Markus to come down.

  • After all the sermonizing about discrimination, firing the "geek" was Trump's only option.


  • WEEK 6: Jennifer M
    Why I shouldn't be fired:
  • “Little Miss Ray of Sunshine” Award

  • Hello, Josh? SALES event?

  • “But I DID sell!”

  • “Firing me would be a BIG mistake!”

  • Why I claim I was fired:
  • Hello, Josh? SALES event?

  • Trump made a big mistake

  • Jokes about selling radar guns flopped.

  • True reason I was fired:
  • Didn’t sell.

  • Was already on Double-Secret Probation.

  • “Lemonade! Pretzels!” pitch too perky.
  • Rose-colored glasses are wrong prescription.

  • Bipolar emotion swings freak everyone out.


  • WEEK 6: Josh
    Why I shouldn't be fired:
  • Great #2 sidekick (“Mini-Me, you complete me.”)

  • Overall 4-1 record that people could dance to.

  • Clay!? Markus!? Still here!? NoOoooOooOoo!

  • Why I claim I was fired:
  • Didn’t convert sales.

  • Should have stuck with rollerblades or foozball.

  • Jennifer M: You suck.

  • True reason I was fired:
  • School-boy crush on batting-cage concept.
  • Didn’t convert sales.

  • Didn’t track sales.

  • Didn’t readjust when sales flagged.

  • Jennifer M sucked.


  • WEEK 6: Mark
    Why I shouldn't be fired:
  • Nice guy.

  • Didn’t screw up task.

  • “Lord of the Pitching Machine”

  • Why I claim I was fired:
  • Blood clot lodged in Trump’s brain at inopportune moment

  • Trump thought I was Mark[us]

  • Innocent bystander caught in the line of fire.

  • True reason I was fired:
  • Faithfully manned assigned post, went down with ship.

  • Didn’t aim pitching machine at Josh’s forehead, so he’d get on the ball

  • Blood clot lodged in Trump’s brain at inopportune moment

  • [Mostly] innocent bystander caught in the line of fire.


  • WEEK 6: James
    Why I shouldn't be fired:
  • Good arm.

  • Took Little League team to victory.

  • Never claimed to be a baseball EXPERT.

  • Usually flew under the radar gun.

  • Why I claim I was fired:
  • Baseball = Bad

  • Josh considered me a baseball EXPERT.

  • Didn’t hang up Coach hat and start fleecing kids.

  • True reason I was fired:
  • Batting Cage = Bad

  • Josh considered me a baseball EXPERT.

  • Didn’t hang up Coach hat and start fleecing kids.


  • WEEK 5: Kristi
    Why I shouldn't be fired:
  • Mover-and-shaker.

  • Can use Microsoft Project Manager.

  • Perky but tough (like Smurfette in black leather).

  • Why I claim I was fired:
  • Too strong and intimidating.

  • Scared the bejeepers out of Donald Trump.

  • Trump smitten by Jenn M’s "beauty queen" wiles instead of "brains" like I have.

  • True reason I was fired:
  • Can’t keep mouth shut ("outspoken" to the nth degree).

  • Bossy, plain and simple.

  • "Patsy-Ramsey" schtick gets old real quick.
  • Strong and overpowering, just like the smell of garlic or sulfur

  • It was always her way or the highway (so hit the road, chickee-poo!)


  • WEEK 4: Toral
    Why I shouldn't be fired:
  • Experienced Big-Wig.

  • Oh-so-professional.

  • Toral E. Coyote, "Super-Genius"

  • Everyone else sucks (on the level of housemaids and waitresses).

  • Conveniently last-minute vague "religion convictions."
  • Wearing The Stupid Suit would have made me look, well, stupid!

  • Why I claim I was fired:
  • This show was beneath me.

  • Won't compromise my dignity.

  • Not a blonde, nor into lipstick and mascara like the other girls.

  • They're all fools, even Trump.

  • True reason I was fired:
  • Non-contributor; bottom-feeder; scourge.

  • Snoot-y up the butt-y.

  • Highly trained world-class narcissist.

  • Unrespected by team.

  • Pi Phi's threw her under the bus.


  • WEEK 3: Jennifer W
    Why I shouldn't be fired:
  • Seven beautiful women CAN'T be wrong (well, except this time).

  • But Granny LOVED cake!

  • Toral's too dumb to operate a TV remote, let alone a key fob.

  • It's Rebecca's fault for letting me volunteer.

  • Why I claim I was fired:
  • Trump just didn’t see the "real" me.

  • Rebecca threw me under the bus.

  • I don't even know why I was fired!

  • True reason I was fired:
  • "Coherent presentation?" Um, what's that?

  • Can’t think on feet (keep those index cards handy).

  • Spelling-challenged (“tethno”).

  • George: Cookies tasted like dried-out hockey pucks.
  • Caroline: What a crummy party!


  • WEEK 2: Chris
    Why I shouldn't be fired:
  • Markus is the weakest link, goodbye.

  • Markus is the weakest link, goodbye.

  • Markus is the weakest link, goodbye.

  • (Did I say yet,"Markus is the weakest link, goodbye"?)

  • Why I claim I was fired:
  • Whaaaaat??? You're gonna fire me?!! ... But, but, but... Marcus!!

  • True reason I was fired:
  • Only Markus got the task right.

  • Unwitting substitute sacrifice for Mark's creative faux pas.

  • Which part of "Don't bring Markus back into the boardroom" don't you understand? (Duh.)


  • WEEK 1: Melissa
    Why I shouldn't be fired:
  • Hell on wheels.

  • Everyone’s out to get me.

  • Just being true to myself.

  • Can’t work with women.

  • In my wildest dreams, I'm positive and sweet as sugar.

  • Why I claim I was fired:
  • Remarkably beautiful

  • Remarkably intelligent

  • Remarkably intimidating

  • Object of unparalleled jealousy

  • True reason I was fired:
  • Socially abrasive (like rusting razor wire).

  • Haugh-ty with a capital "TY".

  • Burns bridges while standing on them.

  • Can’t work with ANYONE, let alone women.