Season #4: Sour Grapes (Full List)

The full list of abuses, recuses, and excuses.

WEEK 9: Clay
Why I shouldn't be fired:

Proven winner.

Can recite excerpts from Machiavelli’s “The Prince.”

Dripping with creativity.

“Vengeance must be mine! Mua-ha-ha!”

Didn’t mean to be an ass, so none of it counts.

Why I claim I was fired:

Proven winner = threat.

Alla set me up.

People can’t take a joke.

Shouldn’t have been.

True reason I was fired:

Proven whiner.

Bitch-queen of denial.

People can’t take personal insults and aggressive paranoia.

Head up ass leaves no room for others.

He who lives by the sword...

WEEK 8: Brian
Why I shouldn't be fired:

Feisty little bugger.

No Ewok.

"Rubble Man" can dance.

Star What?

Why I claim I was fired:

Lost the Force

Taxi hyperdrive failed.

Missed secret Jedi conference.

True reason I was fired:

Lost the Force

Taxi never had a hyperdrive.

Missed secret Jedi conference.

Randall no Yoda.

"Where / in the world / is Darth Va-der-i-a-go?"

WEEK 8: Marshawn
Why I shouldn't be fired:

Level-headed as Ben Kenobi.

Best presenter in the galaxy.

Strong in the Force.

Favored by the Emperor.

Why I claim I was fired:

Concept was no "Death Star."

Randall no Yoda.

Emperor's "Force Lightning" hard to aim.

"Boba" Rancic gunning for me.

True reason I was fired:

Disillusioned with the Rebellion.

Permitted Rebecca to fly the ship.

Sith Lords are fickle.

I'm no Yoda either.

WEEK 7: Markus
Why I shouldn't be fired:

Never at loss for words.

Topic selection: “Sex” = Boring, “Incomprehensible Babble” = Fascinating

Only has Blockbuster Ideas.

Not the fly in Adam's ointment.

Clay’s head jammed up his "you-know-what" during the whole presentation.

Why I claim I was fired:

Markus-alized = Marginalized

"I’ve been riding on the railroad... all the live-long shoooow!”

Last victim of the dwindling Blonde Coven.

No real clue.

True reason I was fired:

15 minutes of fame winding down for Mr. TalkTooMuch.

Trump Tower not a wacky R&D lab.

Less coherent than Dubya before a live studio audience.

Josh and Chris (and a bunch of Chris’ football buddies) waiting too long already for Markus to come down.

After all the sermonizing about discrimination, firing the "geek" was Trump's only option.

WEEK 6: Jennifer M
Why I shouldn't be fired:

“Little Miss Ray of Sunshine” Award

Hello, Josh? SALES event?

“But I DID sell!”

“Firing me would be a BIG mistake!”

Why I claim I was fired:

Hello, Josh? SALES event?

Trump made a big mistake

Jokes about selling radar guns flopped.

True reason I was fired:

Didn’t sell.

Was already on Double-Secret Probation.

“Lemonade! Pretzels!” pitch too perky.

Rose-colored glasses are wrong prescription.

Bipolar emotion swings freak everyone out.

WEEK 6: Josh
Why I shouldn't be fired:

Great #2 sidekick (“Mini-Me, you complete me.”)

Overall 4-1 record that people could dance to.

Clay!? Markus!? Still here!? NoOoooOooOoo!

Why I claim I was fired:

Didn’t convert sales.

Should have stuck with rollerblades or foozball.

Jennifer M: You suck.

True reason I was fired:

School-boy crush on batting-cage concept.

Didn’t convert sales.

Didn’t track sales.

Didn’t readjust when sales flagged.

Jennifer M sucked.

WEEK 6: Mark
Why I shouldn't be fired:

Nice guy.

Didn’t screw up task.

“Lord of the Pitching Machine”

Why I claim I was fired:

Blood clot lodged in Trump’s brain at inopportune moment

Trump thought I was Mark[us]

Innocent bystander caught in the line of fire.

True reason I was fired:

Faithfully manned assigned post, went down with ship.

Didn’t aim pitching machine at Josh’s forehead, so he’d get on the ball

Blood clot lodged in Trump’s brain at inopportune moment

[Mostly] innocent bystander caught in the line of fire.

WEEK 6: James
Why I shouldn't be fired:

Good arm.

Took Little League team to victory.

Never claimed to be a baseball EXPERT.

Usually flew under the radar gun.

Why I claim I was fired:

Baseball = Bad

Josh considered me a baseball EXPERT.

Didn’t hang up Coach hat and start fleecing kids.

True reason I was fired:

Batting Cage = Bad

Josh considered me a baseball EXPERT.

Didn’t hang up Coach hat and start fleecing kids.

WEEK 5: Kristi
Why I shouldn't be fired:

Mover-and-shaker.

Can use Microsoft Project Manager.

Perky but tough (like Smurfette in black leather).

Why I claim I was fired:

Too strong and intimidating.

Scared the bejeepers out of Donald Trump.

Trump smitten by Jenn M’s "beauty queen" wiles instead of "brains" like I have.

True reason I was fired:

Can’t keep mouth shut ("outspoken" to the nth degree).

Bossy, plain and simple.

"Patsy-Ramsey" schtick gets old real quick.

Strong and overpowering, just like the smell of garlic or sulfur

It was always her way or the highway (so hit the road, chickee-poo!)

WEEK 4: Toral
Why I shouldn't be fired:

Experienced Big-Wig.

Oh-so-professional.

Toral E. Coyote, "Super-Genius"

Everyone else sucks (on the level of housemaids and waitresses).

Conveniently last-minute vague "religion convictions."

Wearing The Stupid Suit would have made me look, well, stupid!

Why I claim I was fired:

This show was beneath me.

Won't compromise my dignity.

Not a blonde, nor into lipstick and mascara like the other girls.

They're all fools, even Trump.

True reason I was fired:

Non-contributor; bottom-feeder; scourge.

Snoot-y up the butt-y.

Highly trained world-class narcissist.

Unrespected by team.

Pi Phi's threw her under the bus.

WEEK 3: Jennifer W
Why I shouldn't be fired:

Seven beautiful women CAN'T be wrong (well, except this time).

But Granny LOVED cake!

Toral's too dumb to operate a TV remote, let alone a key fob.

It's Rebecca's fault for letting me volunteer.

Why I claim I was fired:

Trump just didn’t see the "real" me.

Rebecca threw me under the bus.

I don't even know why I was fired!

True reason I was fired:

"Coherent presentation?" Um, what's that?

Can’t think on feet (keep those index cards handy).

Spelling-challenged (“tethno”).

George: Cookies tasted like dried-out hockey pucks.

Caroline: What a crummy party!

WEEK 2: Chris
Why I shouldn't be fired:

Markus is the weakest link, goodbye.

Markus is the weakest link, goodbye.

Markus is the weakest link, goodbye.

(Did I say yet,"Markus is the weakest link, goodbye"?)

Why I claim I was fired:

Whaaaaat??? You're gonna fire me?!! ... But, but, but... Marcus!!

True reason I was fired:

Only Markus got the task right.

Unwitting substitute sacrifice for Mark's creative faux pas.

Which part of "Don't bring Markus back into the boardroom" don't you understand? (Duh.)

WEEK 1: Melissa
Why I shouldn't be fired:

Hell on wheels.

Everyone’s out to get me.

Just being true to myself.

Can’t work with women.

In my wildest dreams, I'm positive and sweet as sugar.

Why I claim I was fired:

Remarkably beautiful

Remarkably intelligent

Remarkably intimidating

Object of unparalleled jealousy

True reason I was fired:

Socially abrasive (like rusting razor wire).

Haugh-ty with a capital "TY".

Burns bridges while standing on them.

Can’t work with ANYONE, let alone women.