The full list of abuses, recuses, and excuses.
WEEK 9: ClayWhy I shouldn't be fired:Proven winner.Can recite excerpts from Machiavelli’s “The Prince.”Dripping with creativity.“Vengeance must be mine! Mua-ha-ha!”Didn’t mean to be an ass, so none of it counts.Why I claim I was fired:Proven winner = threat.Alla set me up.People can’t take a joke.Shouldn’t have been.True reason I was fired:Proven whiner.Bitch-queen of denial.People can’t take personal insults and aggressive paranoia.Head up ass leaves no room for others.He who lives by the sword...WEEK 8: BrianWhy I shouldn't be fired:Feisty little bugger.No Ewok."Rubble Man" can dance.Star What?Why I claim I was fired:Lost the ForceTaxi hyperdrive failed.Missed secret Jedi conference.True reason I was fired:Lost the Force Taxi never had a hyperdrive.Missed secret Jedi conference.Randall no Yoda."Where / in the world / is Darth Va-der-i-a-go?"WEEK 8: MarshawnWhy I shouldn't be fired:Level-headed as Ben Kenobi.Best presenter in the galaxy.Strong in the Force.Favored by the Emperor.Why I claim I was fired:Concept was no "Death Star."Randall no Yoda.Emperor's "Force Lightning" hard to aim."Boba" Rancic gunning for me.True reason I was fired:Disillusioned with the Rebellion.Permitted Rebecca to fly the ship.Sith Lords are fickle.I'm no Yoda either.WEEK 7: MarkusWhy I shouldn't be fired:Never at loss for words.Topic selection: “Sex” = Boring, “Incomprehensible Babble” = FascinatingOnly has Blockbuster Ideas.Not the fly in Adam's ointment.Clay’s head jammed up his "you-know-what" during the whole presentation.Why I claim I was fired:Markus-alized = Marginalized"I’ve been riding on the railroad... all the live-long shoooow!”Last victim of the dwindling Blonde Coven.No real clue.True reason I was fired:15 minutes of fame winding down for Mr. TalkTooMuch. Trump Tower not a wacky R&D lab.Less coherent than Dubya before a live studio audience.Josh and Chris (and a bunch of Chris’ football buddies) waiting too long already for Markus to come down.After all the sermonizing about discrimination, firing the "geek" was Trump's only option.WEEK 6: Jennifer MWhy I shouldn't be fired:“Little Miss Ray of Sunshine” Award Hello, Josh? SALES event?“But I DID sell!”“Firing me would be a BIG mistake!”Why I claim I was fired:Hello, Josh? SALES event?Trump made a big mistakeJokes about selling radar guns flopped.True reason I was fired:Didn’t sell.Was already on Double-Secret Probation.“Lemonade! Pretzels!” pitch too perky.
Rose-colored glasses are wrong prescription.Bipolar emotion swings freak everyone out.WEEK 6: JoshWhy I shouldn't be fired:Great #2 sidekick (“Mini-Me, you complete me.”) Overall 4-1 record that people could dance to. Clay!? Markus!? Still here!? NoOoooOooOoo! Why I claim I was fired:Didn’t convert sales. Should have stuck with rollerblades or foozball. Jennifer M: You suck. True reason I was fired:School-boy crush on batting-cage concept.
Didn’t convert sales. Didn’t track sales. Didn’t readjust when sales flagged. Jennifer M sucked.WEEK 6: MarkWhy I shouldn't be fired:Nice guy.Didn’t screw up task. “Lord of the Pitching Machine” Why I claim I was fired:Blood clot lodged in Trump’s brain at inopportune momentTrump thought I was Mark[us] Innocent bystander caught in the line of fire. True reason I was fired:Faithfully manned assigned post, went down with ship.Didn’t aim pitching machine at Josh’s forehead, so he’d get on the ballBlood clot lodged in Trump’s brain at inopportune moment[Mostly] innocent bystander caught in the line of fire. WEEK 6: JamesWhy I shouldn't be fired:Good arm. Took Little League team to victory. Never claimed to be a baseball EXPERT. Usually flew under the radar gun. Why I claim I was fired:Baseball = BadJosh considered me a baseball EXPERT. Didn’t hang up Coach hat and start fleecing kids. True reason I was fired:Batting Cage = BadJosh considered me a baseball EXPERT. Didn’t hang up Coach hat and start fleecing kids.WEEK 5: KristiWhy I shouldn't be fired: Mover-and-shaker. Can use Microsoft Project Manager. Perky but tough (like Smurfette in black leather).Why I claim I was fired: Too strong and intimidating. Scared the bejeepers out of Donald Trump. Trump smitten by Jenn M’s "beauty queen" wiles instead of "brains" like I have.True reason I was fired: Can’t keep mouth shut ("outspoken" to the nth degree). Bossy, plain and simple. "Patsy-Ramsey" schtick gets old real quick.
Strong and overpowering, just like the smell of garlic or sulfur It was always her way or the highway (so hit the road, chickee-poo!)WEEK 4: ToralWhy I shouldn't be fired: Experienced Big-Wig. Oh-so-professional. Toral E. Coyote, "Super-Genius" Everyone else sucks (on the level of housemaids and waitresses). Conveniently last-minute vague "religion convictions."
Wearing The Stupid Suit would have made me look, well, stupid!Why I claim I was fired: This show was beneath me. Won't compromise my dignity. Not a blonde, nor into lipstick and mascara like the other girls. They're all fools, even Trump.True reason I was fired: Non-contributor; bottom-feeder; scourge. Snoot-y up the butt-y. Highly trained world-class narcissist. Unrespected by team. Pi Phi's threw her under the bus.WEEK 3: Jennifer WWhy I shouldn't be fired: Seven beautiful women CAN'T be wrong (well, except this time). But Granny LOVED cake! Toral's too dumb to operate a TV remote, let alone a key fob. It's Rebecca's fault for letting me volunteer.Why I claim I was fired: Trump just didn’t see the "real" me. Rebecca threw me under the bus. I don't even know why I was fired!True reason I was fired: "Coherent presentation?" Um, what's that? Can’t think on feet (keep those index cards handy). Spelling-challenged (“tethno”). George: Cookies tasted like dried-out hockey pucks.
Caroline: What a crummy party!WEEK 2: ChrisWhy I shouldn't be fired: Markus is the weakest link, goodbye. Markus is the weakest link, goodbye. Markus is the weakest link, goodbye. (Did I say yet,"Markus is the weakest link, goodbye"?)Why I claim I was fired: Whaaaaat??? You're gonna fire me?!! ... But, but, but... Marcus!!True reason I was fired: Only Markus got the task right. Unwitting substitute sacrifice for Mark's creative faux pas. Which part of "Don't bring Markus back into the boardroom" don't you understand? (Duh.)WEEK 1: MelissaWhy I shouldn't be fired: Hell on wheels. Everyone’s out to get me. Just being true to myself. Can’t work with women. In my wildest dreams, I'm positive and sweet as sugar.Why I claim I was fired: Remarkably beautiful Remarkably intelligent Remarkably intimidating Object of unparalleled jealousyTrue reason I was fired: Socially abrasive (like rusting razor wire). Haugh-ty with a capital "TY". Burns bridges while standing on them. Can’t work with ANYONE, let alone women.
